I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
why do cheetos always look like penises
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
