Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
