hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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