He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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