Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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