For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
