My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
