I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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