It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
