I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
This toilet bowl is my home.
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