Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we're making bets on your personal life
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
