if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
