Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
