then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
