yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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