I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
