Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
