we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
