Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
