you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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