How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
