thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize