This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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