Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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