I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
