I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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