I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
