I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
