please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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