Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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