I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize