i wish my penis had a tongue
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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