Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
