My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
