when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
