Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
this beer tastes like vomit already
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize