Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
