i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
