My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
