dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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