Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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