did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
