I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
