Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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