How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
