I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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