We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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