her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
