finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
