He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
