what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
