I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
