I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
