I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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