Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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