Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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