I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
